This information was developed from talking to parents and carers of young people and is aimed at helping parents, carers, other family members and friends cope when a young person is self-harming. It includes information on the nature and causes of self-harm, how to support a young person when facing this problem and what help is available.
Self-harm is behaviour that is done deliberately to harm oneself. At least 10% of adolescents report having self-harmed.
Self-harm can include, for example:
Although some people who self-harm may be suicidal, self-harm is often used as a way of managing difficult emotions without being a suicide attempt. However, self-harming can result in accidental death.
As a parent, you might suspect your child is self-harming. If you are worried, watch out for these signs:
Individual factors such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, hopelessness, poor problem-solving, impulsivity, eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, bullying (because of race or sexuality)
Family factors such as mental health difficulties in the family, poor parental relationships, drug/alcohol misuse in the family, unreasonable expectations, conflict between young person and parents, excessive punishments or restrictions, family history of self-harm, abuse, neglect
Social factors such as difficulties in peer relationships, bullying, peer rejection, abuse, availability of methods of selfharm, friends who self-harm, media and internet influences.
Self-harm can serve several different functions:
For these reasons, it is important where possible to tackle self-harming behaviour early.
Some children may tell their parents about their self-harm; other parents find out from friends, teachers or medical staff. Discovering that your child is self-harming can be very upsetting and stressful. Parents may experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, helplessness, shame or disgust. It is normal to feel strong emotions and important to try and understand and accept them so that you don’t risk misdirecting them at your child. Try to think of their behaviour as an expression of deep emotions they can’t handle any other way.
If you are concerned about a wound (if it is too deep to manage at home) or other serious injuries you should seek emergency medical help through your local Accident and Emergency service
Overdoses
Cuts and wounds
Burns
Scars
Because self-harm is helping your child to cope with difficult feelings, it is important to think of other ways they might manage their feelings. These can include distraction, stress management techniques, and thinking of alternative methods of discharging extreme emotions. Sometimes joining a social activity or sports group can be helpful as a distraction. This can also provide a form of
social support.
Some people find that putting off harming themselves can decrease or get rid of the urge. Reducing the accessibility of objects that might be used for self-harm (such as pencil sharpeners, knives, medication) may help to delay the impulse to self-harm.
Soothing/stress relief/distraction:
If you are concerned about your child, particularly if the self-harm or distress increases or you notice problems such as anxiety or low mood, you should seek further help.
This is best done through your general practitioner (GP), who may refer your child to a community Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) where an assessment would be done and a plan made for support and treatment If your child is reluctant to get help or doesn’t acknowledge the risks you can still receive advice from your GP.
Telephone advice lines can give you information. If your child goes to hospital for any reason related to self-harm, they should be seen by someone who will talk to them about self-harm and assess their mental well-being. If it is not clear whether this has happened, ask the staff about it.
Think carefully about who to tell about your child’s self-harming. This includes thinking about their possible reactions, and balancing your child’s need for privacy with your need for support.
Many parents say secrecy can make things more difficult: it can add to the pressure on both parents and child, and take away sources of help and comfort from other family members.
Talking to people you trust can be a huge help. If you haven’t told family members yet, you might consider speaking to a counsellor or calling a helpline to work through your feelings and decide how and
when you might broach the topic of your child’s self-harm with friends and family.
You and your child can think together about how much you want to tell other family members, including brothers and sisters, about the self-harm.
The wider family may or may not understand why a child would self-harm, so you and your immediate family will have to think about how they might react and how you want to manage this.
It is normal for parents to experience strong emotions and it is important that you look after yourself as well as your child.
Recovery from self-harm may be a long process, so try to find time for relaxation. Pay attention to the physical signs of stress, such as stomach aches, difficulty sleeping, or depression.
Take time for yourself when you are upset. Do things you enjoy, such as going out with friends, exercise, hobbies.
Learn to identify and accept your own feelings. It may help to write them down.
Find an outlet for your emotions, such as talking to a friend, relative or therapist. You may find other emotions coming out as anger – be careful that your child does not think this is directed at them.
Give yourself permission only to do things that really need doing and don’t worry about less important tasks. Take time off work if you are able, and accept help from family and friends.
Your child may remember what you say even if they don’t seem to be listening at the time, and may take your advice or talk to you later.
Trying to help your child may sometimes be frustrating. However, when they push you away is often when they need you the most.
Remember, most young people who self-harm will stop sooner or later.